This past week, I was on spring break so I took a little break from blogging, did some traveling, and naturally found a new old headache in my life. Yes, my dumb friends, who have a 10,000% chance of reading this article and laughing their asses off, decided it would be a good idea to throw me into one of those first person shooter games, also known as my one true weakness as a living breathing human.
Is this article really relevant to anything? Nope. I just feel bitter and betrayed and I don’t really feel like focusing my energy on writing about Michael Flynn asking for immunity or the fresh MLB season yet.
Anyway, a group of friends was insistent that I join them in playing Battlefield 1 this past week and I decided I’d give it a shot so I suppose that was my first mistake. I am notoriously bad at combat games. My younger brother has been playing Halo, Call of Duty, Battlefield, and Medal of Honor seemingly since he knew how to hold a controller, meanwhile I stuck to my sports video games. I’m convinced I’m the closest thing to unbeatable at Madden but give me a gun and tell me to shoot someone and I’m about as incompetent as anything. There are too many combinations of guns, too many hiding spots, and too skilled of players that make these kinds of monstrosities stack the deck against anyone like myself who sits through the main menu trying to figure out how to make my guy throw a goddamn grenade or how to make him run. It’s not fair man. I feel like that one girl who sits with her guy friends trying to understand sports and will forever be hopelessly confused no matter how many times someone tries to help me.
We started just playing what was something like a team deathwatch? I don’t even know. I had no kills and 14 deaths at the end of that round so fuck that. We might have played three or four more rounds of that and I think the most amount of kills I got was a whopping THREE.
It’s about 2AM by this point and for someone who is typically pretty calm playing video games, I had already thrown my controller to where the batteries flew across the floor twice and I’ve almost certainly disturbed the peace of my neighborhood. However, I was too invested at this point to stop playing so we moved on to what was essentially capture the flag I guess.
I started out like the other rounds, aimlessly wandering into open space only to have my head shot off by some douchebag hiding in a tower with a sniper rifle. But in the subsequent rounds, I decided that I was going to find whatever flag my team was defending and defend the absolute shit out of it. I literally took the four-year-old’s mentality toward this flag, asserting my position that the flag was “mine.” I figured since I can’t kill anyone, I could at least take pride in taking a defensive stance. Did it work?
I was lucky if I made it two minutes before a swarm of enemies ambushed my precious flag and took it away from me. So then I sit there waiting to respawn and I can feel my blood boiling as I see the meter on the flag go from blue to red and my asshole friends, who are laughing at me so hard at this point, keep asking me, “WHAT HAPPENED!?!? I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEFENDING THE FLAG?” and I was but getting anyone to die other than myself in this game is like trying to fit a square peg through a round hole.
I played this game for the next three nights and I literally still have not gotten any better. Apparently you can revive people too and I still don’t know how the fuck that works. I saw a blimp in one of the rounds and my mind just about shattered into a million pieces. I got to ride a horse at one point too and I must admit that was kinda fun until my friends once again came after my ass after I announced this over our party chat and emptied their clips into my beautiful stallion and made me want to leave the game and get fucking PETA on the phone I was so upset. I ended up breaking a wooden basket at one point and probably deprived my next door neighbors of any sleep for days. So yeah, that’s how my spring break went.
Fuck first person shooters.